If the Internet is good for anything—and, actually, it’s good for lots of things—it’s good for finding a needle in a haystack.Whether you’re hankering after a pistol grip for that vintage Hasselblad single reflex camera, or want to learn all the lyrics to R. M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know it,” the World Wide Web has made tracking down and securing even the most obscure objects your heart desires a lot easier.For that, you need to combine persuasive language with the kind of images that makes your profile pop rather than flop, which, as many have learned from experience, isn’t as easy as it sounds.
That’s because love, like the Internet, has a lingo and etiquette all its own.
I don't know why, I don't know how, I only know that I was at the supermarket one fine morning, minding my own business, when suddenly I came face to face with "the sun-dried plum." I will tell you right now that I'm a fan of the prune—particularly when it's in Danish form—but the prune was clearly not selling.
For the prune to turn heads (not to mention meet a nice guy, move to the suburbs, and have a couple of baby prunes) it needed a fresh marketing strategy.
Combining the two in an online dating scenario can complicate the delicate dance even further. Maybe Boy and Girl meet—or maybe they don’t, and if they do, do Boy and Girl live up to their profiles and live happily ever after?
Once it was: “Boy meets Girl,” and, depending on circumstance, “Boy gets (or does not get) Girl.” Now, it’s Boy posts profile. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Which brings us to today's subject: the online dating profile.
I've got a number of brilliant, beautiful, frank, funny friends, all capable of remarkable things, but writing an enticing online profile does not seem to be one of them. Some people offer their services in soup kitchens, some volunteer to shampoo crude oil off of sad, gooey pelicans; I rewrite online dating profiles.
It all started when my pal Paula asked me to figure out why she wasn't getting a response to her JDate ad. " What I get is that we all want to be loved for exactly who we are. " It wasn't long before news that I'd taken Paula's profile from drab to fab spread far and wide (okay, a couple of people in Brooklyn heard). I've seen the dumb, the dull, and the klutzy; the bitter, the brazen, and the too cute by half.
I didn't have to read beyond her opening sentence—"I like the library! All the exclamation points in the world couldn't save that line. But surely there's a juicier way to bring up your literary fetish.